Read it here -> Loud Sex vs. Quiet Sex
Loud Sex vs. Quiet Sex Friday, Jun 23 2006
Battle of The Sexes and Marriage and Sex and Sex Problems and Traffic 9:12 pm
Deep Thoughts – Ass Friday, Jun 23 2006
Ass and Deep Thoughts 8:58 pm
LIFE – It's all about ass…
you're either covering it,
laughing it off,
kicking it,
kissing it,
busting it,
or trying to get a piece of it.
The FLY JOKE Friday, Jun 23 2006
Fly Joke and Silly Jokes and Uncategorized 8:57 pm
Fly joke (good to tell your new Date)
Four flies are trapped in a jar. There are three female flies, and one male fly. They all want to escape, but don't know how. One of the female flies says to the male fly,"I want to escape. How do I do it?"
To which the male fly responds, "Fuck me and I'll tell you."
The female fly is puzzled, but consents to the male fly's demands.
After he has his way with her, she asks how to get out of the jar.
"Fly up to the top, and smash your head against the lid," the male fly
responds.
So the female fly flies up to the top, smashes her head on the top, gets
knocked out unconscious, and falls to the bottom of the jar, dead.
A second female fly asks the male, "I want to escape. How do I do it?"
The Male fly responds, "Fuck me and I'll Tell you."
Again, the female fly has her doubts, but figures what has she got to lose, so
she fucks the male fly, he tells her to fly up to the top of the jar and smash
her head against the lid, she does this, falls to the bottom, and dies.
The third female fly asks the male how to escape, the male tells the female,
"Fuck me and I'll tell you," she does, he tells her what to do, she does it,
and falls to the bottom and dies.
Now, the male fly is the only alive one in the jar. He escapes.
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-Now here is where the person you are telling the joke to (a boyfriend or
girlfriend or someone that you want asks,
"How did he escape?" or says, "I don't get it??"
to which you respond,
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>
>
>
>
>
"Fuck me and I'll tell you."
How Well Can You Read? Friday, Jun 23 2006
Puns and Read and Silly Jokes and Uncategorized 8:54 pm
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!
1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is person cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.
Mistress Friday, Jun 23 2006
Divorce and Marriage and Mistress and Pre-nuptials and Prenuptials 8:52 pm
A woman spotted her husband in a restaurant dining with a much younger woman. Storming up to the table the wife demands "who is this woman?!"
Her husband calmly replies, "Oh, this is my mistress."
The women loses it. "That's it," she cries, "I'm filing for divorce tomorrow!!"
"Listen," he says, "Remember the pre-nuptials that you signed? if you get a divorce, you will lose the loft, the merc, won't be able to go on the extravagant trips anymore. Why don't you sleep on it?"
The wife scowls and leaves.
A couple weeks later, the husband and wife are dining in the same restaurant, when they see a male friend of theirs with a young woman who isn't his wife.
"Who's that woman with Pete?" hisses the wife.
"That's his mistress," replies the husband.
After a pause, she says "ours is prettier."
Tell A Joke! Friday, Jun 23 2006
Joke and Tell A Joke 8:48 pm
A guy is visiting a small town and goes into a bar with his local friend….
It’s an old place where everyone seems to know each other. Every once in a while someone yells out a number and everyone in the bar cracks up.
“37” shouts the patron next to him.
The bar is full of laughter.
“22” calls out his friend.
People are hysterical.
“What gives?” the guy asks his friend.
“Well, you see, we’ve all been coming here for so long, we have all heard every joke several times, so much in fact that we decided to just assign numbers to them rather than bothering to retell the whole joke.”
At that point a woman says with a lilting voice “84.”
Everyone laughs as usual.
So the guy thinks he can try it too. He says “15.”
Not a sound is heard. No laughter, not even a chuckle.
One guy turns and says, “Some people just don't know how to tell a joke."
Where Do You Want To Live? Friday, Jun 23 2006
America and Arizona and California and Colorado and Deep South and Florida and Maine and MidWest and New York and Where To Live 8:45 pm
You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where…..
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can Live in Los Angeles California where…
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
You can Live in New York City where…
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3.You think Central Park is "nature,"
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can Live in Maine where…
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can Live in the Deep South where…
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.
You can live in Colorado where…
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can live in the Midwest where…
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
OR You can live in Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and snowbirds
What They Mean When They Say… Friday, Jun 23 2006
Battle of The Sexes and Men and Men vs. Women and Women 8:43 pm
WOMEN:
1. Yes MEANS No
2. No MEANS Yes
3. Maybe MEANS No
4. We need… MEANS I want.
5. I am sorry MEANS you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk MEANS I need to complain
7. Sure, go ahead MEANS I don't want you to
8. Do what you want MEANS You'll pay for this later
9. I am not upset MEANS Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. Are you listening to me? MEANS Too late, you're toast
11. You have to learn to communicate MEANS Just agree with me you moron!
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights MEANS I have flabby thighs
13. You're so manly MEANS You need a shave and you sweat a lot
14. Do you love me? MEANS I am going to ask for something very expensive
15. It's your decision MEANS The correct decision should be obvious by now
16. You're certainly attentive tonight MEANS Is sex all you ever think about?
17. I'll be ready in a minute MEANS Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
18. How much do you love me? MEANS I did something today and you're really not going to like it.
MEN'S
1. I am hungry MEANS I am hungry
2. I am sleepy MEANS I am sleepy
3. I am tired MEANS I am tired
4. Nice dress MEANS Nice cleavage!
5. I love you MEANS Let's have sex now
6. I am bored MEANS Do you want to have sex?
7. What's wrong? MEANS I guess sex is out of the question
8. May I have this dance? MEANS I'd like to have sex with you
9. Can I call you sometime? MEANS I'd like to have sex with you
10. Do you want to go to a movie? MEANS I'd like to have sex with you
11. Can I take you out to dinner? MEANS I'd like to have sex with you
12. Will you marry me? MEANS I want to make it illegal for other men to to have sex with you.
13. You look tense, let me give you a massage MEANS
I want to have sex with you within the next 3 minutes!
14. Let's talk MEANS I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and, well I'd like to have sex with you.
Men Strike Back Friday, Jun 23 2006
Battle of The Sexes and Men and Men vs. Women and Women 8:40 pm
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough tobuild up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beergut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Little Johnny Wants to Get Married Friday, Jun 23 2006
Allowance and Little Joh and Marriage and Uncategorized 8:37 pm
Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Little Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Little Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Johnny replies with confidence "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job.You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Little Johnny replies thoughtfully, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Little Johnny has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr. Smith says,"Well, Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Little Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says
"Well, we've been lucky so far…"
