What They Mean When They Say… Friday, Jun 23 2006

WOMEN:

1. Yes MEANS No

2. No MEANS Yes

3. Maybe MEANS No

4. We need… MEANS I want.

5. I am sorry MEANS you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk MEANS I need to complain

7. Sure, go ahead MEANS I don't want you to

8. Do what you want MEANS You'll pay for this later

9. I am not upset MEANS Of course I am upset, you moron!

10. Are you listening to me? MEANS Too late, you're toast

11. You have to learn to communicate MEANS Just agree with me you moron!

12. Be romantic, turn out the lights MEANS I have flabby thighs

13. You're so manly MEANS You need a shave and you sweat a lot

14. Do you love me? MEANS I am going to ask for something very expensive

15. It's your decision MEANS The correct decision should be obvious by now

16. You're certainly attentive tonight MEANS Is sex all you ever think about?

17. I'll be ready in a minute MEANS Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

18. How much do you love me? MEANS I did something today and you're really not going to like it.

MEN'S 

1. I am hungry MEANS I am hungry

2. I am sleepy MEANS I am sleepy

3. I am tired MEANS I am tired

4. Nice dress MEANS Nice cleavage!

5. I love you MEANS Let's have sex now

6. I am bored MEANS Do you want to have sex?

7. What's wrong? MEANS I guess sex is out of the question

8. May I have this dance? MEANS I'd like to have sex with you

9. Can I call you sometime? MEANS I'd like to have sex with you

10. Do you want to go to a movie? MEANS I'd like to have sex with you

11. Can I take you out to dinner? MEANS I'd like to have sex with you

12. Will you marry me? MEANS I want to make it illegal for other men to to have sex with you.

13. You look tense, let me give you a massage MEANS

I want to have sex with you within the next 3 minutes!

14. Let's talk MEANS I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and, well I'd like to have sex with you.

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Men Strike Back Friday, Jun 23 2006

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough tobuild up the required pressure.

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.It's called a Wedding Cake.

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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beergut, and still think they are sexy.

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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

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Little Johnny Wants to Get Married Friday, Jun 23 2006

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Little Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Little Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Johnny replies with confidence "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job.You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Little Johnny replies thoughtfully, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Little Johnny has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says,"Well, Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Little Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says

"Well, we've been lucky so far…"

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Come To Me Tuesday, Jun 20 2006

Eau de Blonde

Two blondes walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and smells it.

"That's quite nice, don't you think, Kathy?"

Kathy takes a sniff and replies, "That is nice. What's it called?"

"Viens a moi" replies the store clerk.

"Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?"
The store clerk offers some more help, "Viens a moi, ladies, means 'come to me' in French.

"Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again, and remarks,

"That doesn't smell like cum to me. Does that smell like cum to you?"

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Spanish Delicacy Tuesday, Jun 20 2006

A Texas cowboy visiting Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served at the next table?”

The waiter replied, “Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”

The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, “What the heck, I’m on vacation down here! Bring me an order!”

The waiter replied, “I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!”

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.

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Twelve Priests Tuesday, Jun 20 2006

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that if flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest and bent over to pick it up.

That's when all the other bells started to ring.

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I Have Arrived Tuesday, Jun 20 2006

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honey moon 20 years before. Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error,sent the email to the wrong address.

Meanwhile…somewhere in Houston… a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message,she screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, October 13, 2004
Subject: I have Arrived!

Dearest Love:

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send email to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you.Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS …… Sure is hot down here!!

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The End Is Near Tuesday, Jun 20 2006

A priest and a pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads,

"The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big crash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says, 'BRIDGE ENDS' instead?"

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‘New Bike’ AKA ‘I Will Do the Dishes’ Saturday, Jun 10 2006

A guy decides to buy a new Harley. Before he leaves the owner tells him his secret for keeping it in such great condition is he rubs vaseline on the chrome when it rains and hands him a jar of vaseline.

Over weekend, he decides to take his new bike to visit his girlfiends'  parents.

As they walk to the front door she stops him and says, "Don't talk during dinner, the first one to talk has to do the dishes."

He says "Alright?"

Still confused they get to the front door and walk in only to find piles of dishes all over the house. They start to eat and sure enough nobody is saying a word.

So he starts to rub his girlfriends breast, still nothing from anybody. He takes off her clothes, still nothing from anybody. Then He screws her right their at the table, not a word from anybody. A little more time goes by and he does the same thing to her mom, still no word from anybody.

Then he hears it starting to rain outside so he pulls out the jar of vaseline to take care of his bike.

Her dad says, "Alright, alright I will do the dishes."

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Drawing on the Blackboard Friday, Jun 9 2006

A third grade teacher, Miss Pinklebloom came in to the room one day and found a very small drawing of a penis on the blackboard.

She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly rubbed it off and began her class.

The next day, she came in and saw another drawing of slightly bigger penis on the board. She frowns and rubs it off.

Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same drawing on the board, each day's larger than the previous day's drawing. She habitually rubs it off and proceeds with the instructions.

One day, she couldn't take it anymore so she screams out, "Which one of you kids is doing this?"

Little Johnny yells out, "I don't know who is drawing it, but I know why it's getting bigger."

"And why is that?" asked the teacher.

"Simple." responds Johnny. "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

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